The V Word

I went to therapy for the first time in 2012. It took me a few sessions to warm up to the idea of telling a stranger my business. I never expressed my feelings when I was younger. I would hold everything in and I very rarely let others in. I didn’t want to feel like I had let someone else in and they would later use that to harm me.

I remember her saying, so you’re angry a lot, you’re mad as hell. But are you angry or are you hurt? I was quiet. I left there and wrestled with that idea for days. I didn’t think I was hurt, I didn’t really believe I could be hurt. The things you can allow yourself to believe in order to protect yourself are interesting.

She was able to help me put into perspective for the first time in my life that is was okay to be vulnerable and to experience hurt. It was scary as hell for awhile. I tried to get away from it even after coming to this realization. I had always been told one way or another that it was a weakness and I did not want to appear weak. When I worked through my beliefs out loud for the first time, it made me realize how ridiculous it sounded.

Vulnerability is something that I have always struggled with. You have to look at yourself, all sides of yourself and come to terms with you are at that moment. I guess that seems like a frightening or impossible thing because so many of us are taught to do the exact opposite our whole lives. We can easily assess, critique and analyze other people’s lives. It’s very difficult for us to point that finger at ourselves.

I realized that it became easier to be open, honest about how I felt with others when I could do it with me, no holds bar.

So here I am, letting myself and the world know that I can be open. That I am not impenetrable to hurt, disappointment or pain. That it is okay to be vulnerable.